Finding a Wife Chinese Style: The Importance of Guanxi

Recently my wife and I received a pretty cool invitation from the landlord we rent our office space from. He and his wife (we shall refer to as Mr. & Mrs. Wang) had previously had us over to their home for lunch and a discussion about how we could help their son, who had just returned from university in Canada. This last invitation however was for us to visit them in Wuxi, just north of Shanghai. While there were many culturally Chinese aspects of our 4-day stay with them, this post will focus on only one.

 

During the course of our stay I had the pleasure of chauffeuring Mr. & Mrs. Wang around Wuxi in their BMW (别魔我) as some Chinese fondly call them), going out to great meals, walking through their family groves and picking peaches (Wuxi is famous for having the most delicious peaches in China), touring around lake Taihu, and meeting many of their qinqi pengyou (亲戚朋友,or family and friends).

 

Taihu Lake, (太湖)

Taihu Lake, (太湖)

 

Wuxi peaches

Wuxi peaches

But what made this visit particularly interesting was a visit they had arranged with another couple they had never met in person before. We had just finished lunch at their favorite local restaurant when the new couple arrived (we shall refer to them as Mr. & Mrs. Liu). They followed us to the Wang’s home where we spent the afternoon chatting with them and the Wang’s other friends. Everyone was having a great time, except when we arrived Mr. Wang excused himself to go take a nap. Mrs. Wang was with her mother in the hospital, so it was the Wang’s friends, the Liu’s, and my wife and I who spent the afternoon together discussing various topics. A few hours later, while everyone was saying his or her goodbyes, Mr. Wang came out and thanked everyone for coming.

 

So what was going on? Mr. Wang had given us a bit of a heads up, but it wasn’t until the next evening, sitting out by lake Taihu and enjoying the warm summer breeze that we inquired. What we learned was that meeting this couple was one small part of a careful plan for the Wang’s son to eventually marry the Liu’s daughter. The Chinese four-character phrase he used was mendang-hudui (门当户对), meaning  to be equal in social and economic status. So the Wang’s and the Liu’s were at the beginning of a longer-term plan that began on the basis on the hope that their two families were a great match.

 

Wuxi at sunset

Wuxi at sunset

The Liu’s daughter had just graduated from university in the US and would begin her Master’s program in the fall. The idea was for the Wang parents and Liu parents to get to know each other first, build up their guanxi, and then introduce the their children in two years, after her graduation. If they got along well, they would eventually marry and give them the one grandchild they all eagerly awaited.

 

Even more, they had already planned on where they would live (Canada) and what professions they would hold.